~~I'd put "wherefore art thou," but that doesn't mean "where are you"... It actually means something like, "Why are you called Romeo?" I learned that in... Like... Ninth grade. We had to perform Juliet's speech for the English class on stage. And we had to come up with some goofy way to do it. I dressed up like a teeny bopper and stuttered and said a lot of "like" and "ummmm" and shit like that. One of my friends dressed up like a brooding vampire and I came onstage while she was reminiscing about her beloved Romeo. I was a vampire hunter. She THREW me across the stage. And I acted that shit UP.

Apparently, acting is my thing. I tried to deny it, when I left high school. I gave up on acting. But now... Every day that I'm at work, I slap on the fake smile, grin like crazy and laugh and joke. I am the most excited and bubbly employee at that Arby's. Swear to God. Our big boss came in and was holding a meeting. He goes, "Is there someone here who's an example of happy, blah blah blah?" My boss looks right at me, points, and goes, "her."

I blushed so hard. Not because I was being pointed out in the middle of the work area. But because... if they only knew.~~

My big question these days. Who is Sam? Wherefore art thou Sam? Who the fuck is Sam anyway?

I think I've determined it. Sam is someone better left alone and miserable. Sam doesn't deserve friends, because she inevitably gets way too close to them, and then breaks their hearts. Sam needs to be locked away and forgotten about. Sam is a horrible, wretched, undeserving person.

Sam needs a new self-image. Sam needs to go back into acting. Maybe... Maybe Sam was wrong. Maybe Randal does exist and he was the first vestiges of a real human being within the tight walls of the world of Sam. But Sam was afraid of that, so Sam killed Randal. Slowly. Painfully. Randal is bleeding and dying at the bottom of a ditch and Sam remains victorious. Over what? Over. WHAT?

Sam should never have let herself get as close to people as she did. Because she is head over heels in love with someone she may never meet. And for the reason she may never meet this person, she left. There were other reasons. Sam loves her, to fucking pieces, but she loves HER... And she made it difficult to get close to HER...

Sam shouldn't talk about this here. We don't know who would end up reading it, but Sam can't go into heavy details about completely destroying someone's heart on this site. She feels like shit for what she's done. She WANTs to go back and erase those words, but it's impossible. She WANTs to stay with her, but she'll only continue to kill all the good parts of herself and cry at night over someone she may never meet. May. Never. Meet.

Two-thousand, five-hundred, fifty-five miles. It didn't sound that far at first. It was just a hop on a plane. No big deal.

Sam can't hop on a plane every time she needs someone to hold her. Or she needs to hold someone else.


I hope. I really do hope. That maybe one day. That distance won't be an issue. But by that time, I don't think she'll want anything to do with Sam anymore. Because Sam fucked her over. Sam fucked her up. And I wouldn't forgive her either. I'd want to kill Sam, if I were her. And maybe Sam does deserve that. Maybe Sam deserves the same fate Randal got. Because who can really trust and love someone who killed the better parts of herself, and then went on to kill the good things in her loved ones lives? Hang Sam out to dry. Build the cross and let her hang. Because Sam is a vile, wretched criminal. Who deserves all the shit about to come her way.




And she will pay. She will pay dearly for what she's done. That, I can be sure of. Because no man holds grudges better than I, and as a fuckin' ghost, I can keep her up forever with her shame.
Lovingly yours,
All the dead good parts of Sam
AKA Randal.